This past month has been very thoughtful and has caused me to think about how our stories are always evolving and changing. I found out 4 weeks ago that I was about 10 weeks pregnant. I am 45 and this came as a huge and frightening surprise. Frightening because of the risk of chromosomal disorders in the baby. Frightening because my body is older and not as healthy as it could be. Frightening because it would mean an entire lifestyle change — again. Frightening because some of my relationships are fragile and I did not know what this would mean to that person. Frightening because the risk of miscarriage and pre-term labor are extremely high. So many unknowns. I have felt alternately overwelmed, frightened and excited.
The best times of my life were when I had babies. I loved being pregnant. I didn’t mind growing bigger if it meant new life. I was participating in this miraculous creation with God. It made me feel so connected to the largeness of life and the beauty of a single life. Within this life was so much possibility and within my heart an endless bounty of love to give this child. I have always struggled with body image and gaining weight. Pregnancy relived me of that struggle and gave meaning to eating and growing. For the love the child within me it was easy to choose a healthy diet that nourished my body and the unborn childs body. Pregnancy was a gift to me on so many levels.
This time around it is different and somehow I have to find the gift in it and live with the uncertainity it has brought into my life. What is the truth of this moment in time? Is there a truth or just a story I tell myself to live with this uncertainty and keep my loving heart from growing too attached to something I can’t keep and deal with the fear that having a baby means in my complicated life. The story I find today is one of wholeness. That no matter what happens there is a roundness and wholeness to this life and each experience adds to that roundness in an endless circling completness.
Many months ago I found a poem by Rilki for a friend that is attracted to the symbology of circles. I printed it for her but kept a copy of it at my desk for the past 6 or 7 months. I find that right now the words flow through my brain like a mantra, keeping me present to this very human moment but feeling okay with uncertainity and connected to the wholeness of my being.
I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not complete this last one
but I give myself to it.
I circle around God, around the primordial tower.
I’ve been circling for thousands of years
and I still don’t know: am I a falcon,
a storm, or a great song?
Tonight I am cramping and beginning to bleed. This pregnancy is threatening to end. This new life may never be. This experience may not complete itself but I believe that no matter what may come my experience of it will continue to lead my life in widening circles and I will give myself completely to it.