“I am water.
I am the thorn that catches someones clothing.
There’s nothing to believe.
Only when I quit believing in myself did I come into this beauty.
Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
Now in this ocean of pearland currents.
I’ve lost track of what is mine.”
When I first read it, I thought, “I don’t want to lose what feels like mine”. My thoughts, my ideas, my creativity even my sadnesses and heartaches. If I don’t hold on to these memories, feelings, and the way I am because of them then, what am I? It feels too much like a death. A dropping away of self. I began to ask myself what the purpose of my meditation and mindfulness practise was. So much has been focused on slowing the thoughts in my head and being present to a quiet inner experience and feeling the stable quiet energy within my body.
In the past I have been very drawn by the metaphor of an ocean and that we are like an ocean, vast and deep and the waves are our feelings, thoughts, fleeting passions and experiences – while they can be mighty they only represent a small part of the ocean itself. The concept that each of us are so much more than whatever we are experiencing or is happening in the moment felt true and comforting. Now it feels like it might be a bit boring to be the vastness of an ocean and have the like quality of all water. Where is my uniqueness in that? Except for in the waves and things that water moves in and around.
I have been working with a practise of diffusing thoughts and emotions so that I can more enrgetically live from the wisest place in me. A place where eating disordered thoughts and behaviors, anger, sadness or fear do not drive my actions. In particular it has been effective at taking away some of the charge of my thoughts — but I am not sure I like that. I am little afraid of losing myself. Transending ego sounds like a admirable quest but I like so much about my thoughts and the way I engage with the world. Will diffusing feelings and emotions leave me blank? And if I actually have the power within to do that it sort of calls into question of what I think of as “who I am” or “what I want” or “what I need and desire”.
As I navigate these questions it seems that every time I listen to a thoughtful podcast or pick up a book I am reading others thoughts and ideas about this. So, I am mindfully exploring these ideas about self, this earthly self as well as that part of myself that is spritual and connected to something bigger than this physical body or earth. Exploring who I am without the charge of my thoughts, ideas, feelings, actions, and the meaning I give all of that.